Careers at NQP – What was once old is new again

An example of a purchased commissionMany corporations spend an inordinate amount of time and money in the simple process of finding, recruiting and hiring the “best” people for their open positions. Here at NotQuiteProfitable, we have seen what happens when you try that method and it just doesn’t work. This is why most major corporations today lack any real imagination and are staffed by almost identical groups of brown-nosed incompetents.

We have taken a different approach based on an offhand comment made by our founder who once remarked, “If anyone thinks they can just buy a position at this company, I would just like to see them try.”

Taking a book from the British Army, we have instituted a program whereby interested candidates may simply buy a position within our firm, much as officers would buy commissions in the British Army from 1683 to 1861. To many people, this may sound like an archaic practice with no place in this modern age. After minutes of careful study, we learned how advantageous this practice can be to a military or corporate organization. To determine how effective the practice was for the British, we looked at one of their contemporary competitors, the Prussian army. Our study has shown us that by comparison, the Prussians chose not to sell commissions in their army and promote officers based on arbitrary criteria like experience and merit. Just consider how well that worked for them. When was the last time you met a Prussian? On the other hand, turn on PBS and you will find it crawling with Brits or at least people that sound like they are. We think we made our point.

Though not often seen in the corporate world today, the practice of selling positions is not consigned to the remote past as you may think. You may not be able to buy common sense, but it is possible on the internet today to buy a college degree for less than a thousand dollars. It is also commonly believed that you can not buy your way into heaven. That may be true, but you can show others the way and obtain papers of ordination in a church for as little as $6.99, if you shop around (not including shipping and handling).

So what would you expect to pay to be the CWO (Chief Whatever Officer) of NotQuiteProfitable.com? We would love to know. Consider this market research. Use the comment form below and let us know what you would consider a reasonable going rate for a position with NQP as:

  • an associate
  • middle manager
  • director
  • executive
  • CxO

Once we have completed our market analysis and a brief nap, we will announce our program for selling positions within our corporation. Currently under consideration is a package which will include the following:

  • An impressive-sounding title
  • Your own web page on our site complete with picture and a brief bio
  • a package of 30 business cards with the NotQuiteProfitable.com logo and your name in bold letters
  • a “Les Nessman”-style office at a location of your choosing*
  • All of the rights and privileges pertaining thereto

Let us know your thoughts (consistent with our policy on comments) and we will let you know when we are ready to go to market with this literally career-changing offer. Do not hesitate. You have been embarrassed by your paltry resume and lame Linkedin profile for long enough. Why let a lack of skills, training and experience hold you back another year?

 

 

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Les_Nessman

 

photo by: Bradley Jones

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