We know what you are thinking. You are thinking that we lost an executive and now have to go in search for them. You would be wrong. After that last little accounting miscommunication, the federal government was kind enough to supply ankle monitors for each of our senior executives so we have a very good idea of where they all are at any moment.
We are beginning this executive search process to fill key positions within our leadership team. While our beloved founder ably fills his roles as CEO, CNH and Chairman of the Bored, it is clear that he could use some assistance. In brief, NotQuiteProfitable.com has determined that we need a deeper bench (see Policy on Sports Metaphors). This is not (as the more vulgar among you might suggest) to support the ample posteriors of our current management. The purpose is to ensure that we have the talent we need to move our company forward in the coming years.
The following list is a subset of the open positions we are currently seeking to fill:
- VP of Vice – This should be self-explanatory. Previous experience in politics a definite plus here.
- VP of T&A – We know what you are thinking so get your mind out of the gutter and your butt into HR for another class. The Vice President of T&A is responsible for Titles and Acronyms – a particularly critical position in this corporation, as in most.
- VP of D&D – While a bit dated now, D&D (Dungeons & Dragons) has a better ring to it than “VP of Playing Games”. This individual will be responsible for our ongoing relationship with GamerApoc.
- VP of R&R – You are wrong again, although we could not blame you if you said, “I know this isn’t Rock & Roll, but I like it.” It is Rest & Recreation – two things that we do not allow at NQP, at least among the associates.
- VP of M&A – You assumed this was Mergers and Acquisitions? Nope. Mayhem & Anarchy. We may look like buttoned-down, wingtip-wearing corporate drones, but we have our wild side.
- VP of USofA – If you find yourself just bidin’ your time in a dead-end job with no hope for a change, you could do worse than to join our team. You might find that going on the road as an apologist for our economic mess is easier than your current job. We may not be quite profitable, but at least we are not in debt.
- VP of B&B – Beer & Brats – responsibilities include the
- annual Associates picnic,
- quarterly middle manager retreats,
- monthly sales award meetings and
- weekly executive offsite functions.
- VP of PB&J – Not sure what the duties might be here, but it has a great ring to it.
- VP of M&Ms – This assumes we can avoid getting sued for copyright infringement.
Should you be interested in any of these positions, please refer to our post on Careers at NotQuiteProfitable.com. Once a slate of candidates has been selected for each position, they will be given ample opportunity to enhance their hiring chances. The primary means will be through careful application of financial and other inducements. Be quick because our ethics policy is under development and we think the wet blankets on that committee are going to close a few doors here.
Footnotes: (because they would not have made this feature if they didn't want us to use them)
Now don't you feel smarter after reading this footnote?