Letter to Our Stockholder – 2013

VC ParkingSince we are close to the close of our calendar and fiscal year, the Investor Relations department has begun working on the annual letter to our stockholder. Given that there is only one, we do not want to spend a great deal of time on it. Since crowd-sourcing is such a popular process this last year for other purposes, we thought we would solicit your ideas for what to put in this letter.

We do have a start on it and just need your assistance to help fill in a few more accomplishments. If you can not think of any accomplishments achieved, are there any disasters avoided such as the following?

  • We lost less customer data than Target.
  • Our web site was more reliable than Healthcare.gov.
  • We sustained much smaller losses than RIM (the makers of the Blackberry – you remember them, right?).
  • We did not release Windows 8 or anything like it.
  • NQP went bankrupt less often than Detroit and several EU countries.
  • Our systems were compromised less often by the NSA than Google’s.
  • None of our executives sexted anyone nor did they post any embarrassing selfies[1]

Submit your thoughts in the comment section below (under “Share your thoughts with the world”). The most creative comment will receive our heartfelt thanks which at the moment is worth more than our stock.

photo by: jurvetson

Footnotes: (because they would not have made this feature if they didn't want us to use them)
  1. Part of the explanation here may be the fact that after five years with their smart phones, the execs still can not figure out how to take a photo with their phones. []

Now don't you feel smarter after reading this footnote?

2 comments for “Letter to Our Stockholder – 2013

  1. James
    January 4, 2014 at 12:27 am

    None of our executives were in jail longer than a week. (However none of our executives were released from jail either.)

    We can’t say whether we received any National Security Letters, but we wish we could.

    Our product catalog was not contained in any of the documents disclosed by Edward Snowden to date.

    None of our power supplies caught fire.

    Fewer employee suicides than Foxconn. (Note to NQP staff: you will all have higher work quotas in 2014 – Merry Christmas everyone!)

    Our ratio of lowest wage employee (0) to highest paid employee (0) is infinite, which is the highest of any company in the world.

    In 2013 we *did* have sex with that woman.

    • admin
      January 4, 2014 at 1:07 am

      But we did not have relations with that investor.

Share your thoughts with the world. Or at least with the six people that will read this.