With the influx of new people, it has come to our attention that not everyone is aware of the simple, common sense rules which apply to the positioning of associates’ vehicles in the parking lot and the appropriate selection of vehicles based on one’s position within the firm. This memo is aimed at clarifying these points.
Firs of all, the following guidelines apply to vehicle selection.
- Accounting / Finance – This one should be obvious. The Honda Element is a car that was clearly designed by accountants and therefore should be driven by an accountant or someone who has no interest in dating. Ever.
- R&D / IT – People in most technical roles will prefer a German-made vehicle just for the supposed “engineering” content. These are also the people that find the VW ads entertaining. Of course, there are also restrictions within each make/model on the model years that are permissible. For example, while any model or year of VW is acceptable, any BMW or Mercedes must be at least fifteen years old or the technical person would be guilty of overreaching their position. Similarly, the only acceptable Porsches would be a 944 or 968 in need of work. The only permissible Audi would be a 1982-1987 5000, since the owner then has fodder for endless cocktail party conversation. For example, “All of the statistically reliable studies on unattended vehicle acceleration fail to show any mechanical issue as root cause. The Audi 5000 has been maligned in the press without any evidence to substantiate their claims.” It goes on from there, but honestly, we nodded off at that point.
- HR – Associates in the HR department all have aspirational goals of owning a Prius as they are as much friends of the planet as they are friends to all human beings. However, given what we pay associates in HR, they can only afford a used Toyota Camry. This is fitting however, because the used Camry has all of the excitement and personality of someone who works in HR.
- Sales & Marketing – Associates in any marketing or sales related role should drive a car which reflects their personality. Words and phrases that would describe such a car are – exciting, hard-charging, bold, leading the pack, driven to be the best, etc. Unfortunately, here in the “Policies and Procedures” section within HR, we have no idea what kind of car that would be.
- Mid-level Managers – While there are no specific makes or models to list here, mid-level managers are encouraged to purchase a vehicle that is either newer than the vehicles of their subordinates or one belonging to a more distinctive brand. Preferably both. In no case, should the mid-level manager have a newer / more prestigious car than their immediate superior. Managers in this range should also be sure to purchase a car with good rear visibility since they spend so much of their time looking over their shoulder.
- Officers of the Corporation – If you are fortunate to have been granted the title of CSO (Chief Something-or-other Officer), then you clearly need and deserve a luxury car. Cadillacs are the obvious choice here. They are a brand with a strong tie to the U S of A and clearly identify you as one of the “people”. At the same time, the Cadillac is sufficiently out of reach for most associates so it will encourage envy in their little minds. Officers are encouraged not to bring their late model Porsche / BMW / Mercedes to the office but leave it for their weekend driving enjoyment. We do not want to encourage too much envy after all.
In addition, associates should keep these basic guidelines in mind when selecting a parking spot each morning.
- As an egalitarian firm where we value each person’s contributions, there are no assigned parking spots at any of our locations. We do not want to give the impression that one’s position in the hierarchy confers any special privileges not available to all who work here.
- That said, the row of parking spots closest to the building is for those with the initials C_O after their name. Other associates parking there will have a performance review the following week where it will be noted that they are taking liberties above their station.
We hope that this memo has clarified the issue and alleviated any uncertainty you may have felt prior to its reading. If you continue to have any questions or require clarifications, please read it again.